I had moved just recently into the state
When the invasion occurred--I remember the date--
September the tenth, nineteen eighty-eight.
I had given my wife a husbandly hug
When I happened to glance down at the rug
And there I saw it--a boxelder bug!
I thought at first that it was alone
But then my wife gave a disconsolate groan--
For there was another, on the wall by the phone.
I heard my children fearfully call,
So I ran from the front room and into the hall--
There was another bug high on the wall!
And on the chairs, and the books, and the stereo too--
I started counting the bugs--now more than a few--
But I gave up the project when I reached ninety-two.
The bugs were obviously now on a roll
And the situation was out of control--
I even found one in a cereal bowl.
Fast action was needed--I ran for the door,
But outside was worse--there were bugs by the score!
The garage roof was covered by a thousand or more!
Bravely but quickly I proceeded outside,
Rejoicing in knowing that with every stride
Six or eight of the little pests died.
In the garage, waiting for me
There, where it had waited patiently,
Was my trusty friend--the DDT.
I patted it fondly, glad I could say,
"Old friend, I know when I hook up the spray
I can count on you to save the day."
I walked out the door, sprayer in hand,
Surveyed the insects invading my land,
And knew it was time to make my stand.
I was psyched--I was ready--I knew that I could.
My conscience confirmed it--it said that I should.
My destiny called me--and I knew that it would.
I gripped my weapon, I triggered the spray.
The bugs died by hundreds--there was no delay.
This was glorious combat--the American way!
Death rained from my weapon--boxelder bugs died.
None did escape me, though some surely tried,
But they had nowhere to run, and no place to hide.
Then into my house I carried the fight,
Slaying invaders with chemical might.
My family applauded the glorious sight.
Through every hallway, in every room
The six-legged monsters encountered their doom
And we put them all in a black trash bag tomb.
But the battle wasn't over, I'm sorry to say,
For the bugs had an ally--he called the next day.
And I had to deal with the darned EPA.
In conclusion I'll say, as brief as I can,
I won my case in spite of the chemical ban
Because bug rights are nothing to the rights of a man!
ABOUT FRED WAISS