Let’s face it, guys, editors are idiots. They’re disgruntled wannabe writers who started life as grammar-nazi English teachers and are still so up-tight they correct their great-grandkids' grammar during bedtime prayers. Traffic cops, that’s what they are. These mavens of mediocrity equate depth and innovation with Key Largo's Aquarius.* That's ancient, man!
I just got a rejection slip from some broad who should be licking my boots. Who gives her the right to dis my creativity? Okay, sure. I started a sentence with a comma. But a comma means pause, doesn't it? How are you gonna read a seventy-eight word sentence if you don't take a breath first?
And why did she tell me to organize my pearls of wisdom? I'm only casting them before swine, anyway. Swine don't need organization, they need the exercise. She talks about The Elements of Style** and dismisses the writing genius I accumulated from studying back issues of The Modern Farmer as repetitious swill. Doesn't she know swill is nutritious? If it repeats, that's her digestive problem, not mine. I'm trying to feed starving potential writer-brains, here, so their bank accounts (and mine) won't be empty as their craniums.
I’m telling you, this rag's readership would double overnight if she would just print my story the way I wrote it. Even Aunt Sally promised to read it as long as I bring my laptop to the nursing home.
Can you believe she threw punctuation in my face - as if I didn’t know what a period is. Hell, I’ve had one every month for ... uh, years -- and I'm still sweet and reasonable as ever.
She says I’m boring and condescending. Really? The guy down at the convenience store says I’m charming. And he would know --- he must serve seven Slurpies a day. Now there’s a guy with taste!
I’ll show her a thing or two. I’ll just go to the competition. I’m published, for Chrissakes! I have my own blog! I write my garden club's quarterly newsletter! I have credentials!
Editor's note: Good Plan! - Jade
* Launched in November 1993, NOAA's last remaining underwater research habitat, located 9 miles south of Key Largo, Florida Keys at a depth of 63 feet.
** (1918) by William Strunk Jr. & E.B. White